


Artemis

by the_empty_man



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Minkowski Lovelace and Eiffel all live together after getting back to earth, back home, back on earth, hints of some trauma, so minkowski and lovelace still have to deal with a lot of Eiffel's shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-25 01:19:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12025077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_empty_man/pseuds/the_empty_man
Summary: Renée Minkowski was naturally apprehensive when she read Eiffel’s text: 'Come outside rn got smth gr8 2 show u'. She had already dealt with enough impulse purchases made by Doug Eiffel to know that a message like that was probably a bad sign...Plus death-traps, movie nights, didgeridoos, ridiculous scaremongering, Evil Knievel and Lovelace's rebellious youth.





	Artemis

Renée Minkowski was naturally apprehensive when she read Eiffel’s text: _Come outside rn got smth gr8 2 show u._ She had already dealt with enough impulse purchases made by Doug Eiffel to know that a message like that was probably a bad sign.

In the four months that Minkowski, Lovelace and Eiffel had shared a house, he'd already brought home a pinball machine, a bouncy castle (despite the obvious snag that they had no garden), a set of matching minion costumes, a 'genuine' World War II rifle, several swords from various fictional franchises ("I'm a collector!" he'd insisted), three digeridoos ("One each!"), a napkin that had apparently been used by Harrison Ford and an enormous light-up Santa Claus that he somehow acquired in July. A few weeks ago, Minkowski had only just managed to persuade him out of bankrupting them by buying an ice-cream van. To be fair, he'd been short of shopping opportunities over the past few years. Then again, she suspected his buying habits had always been like this.

"Commander!" Eiffel greeted her cheerfully as she opened the front door. Minkowski sighed. Doug was leaning against a rusty motorbike in the middle of the yard, wearing a scuffed too-big leather jacket and looking immensely proud of himself. "What do you think huh? I got a super good price from this guy on Craigslist!" Minkowski noticed that the helmet under his arm was covered in dents.

"No. No way in hell," she told him.  

"What do you mean _No_?”

"You are not riding that bike," she said firmly.

"Why not?" He straightened up indignantly.

"It’s dangerous!"

"Oh, come on!” Eiffel moaned. “After everything we've been though, _this_ is too dangerous?"

"Yes."

"That’s ridiculous, Commander! How many near-death situations have I survived?" He threw the rhetorical question out casually, but Minkowski stiffened. The memories flashed through her mind: the solar storm, Decima, Lovelace's shuttle, the mutiny, that stunt with the poison, the time he launched himself into the star... Eiffel had missed death far too often and far too narrowly for it to be an amusing thought. She wished he wouldn't treat each near-death incident like an absurd badge of honour. "If space-plague, bombs and even freaking aliens couldn't kill me-"

"Then it'd seem even more stupid if you died going too fast round a bend on that death-trap!" She wondered whether there'd always be a part of her brain dedicated to imagining all the ways she could lose him. "Do you even have any idea how to ride it?"

"Oh, how hard can it be?" Eiffel jammed the helmet onto his head. "It’s not like I’m gonna try any Evil Knievel stuff yet. Don't you trust me to keep myself safe?"

"Not in the slightest," Minkowski answered without hesitation.

"Well," Eiffel fished around for a response. He couldn't really deny that her distrust of his self-preservation instincts was justified. "You’re not my Commanding Officer anymore," he said petulantly. His point was slightly undermined by the fact that even now he called her Commander more often than he used her actual name. "I don’t have to do what you say!” He stamped his foot, increasing the resemblance to a toddler tantrum. “Did you ever do what I said when I was your commanding officer?” she asked wryly.

“I don’t have to listen to your ridiculous scaremongering,” he declared. Minkowski felt a burst of nostalgia for a time when she could just sedate him when he was being idiotic. “I’m gonna take her out for a spin right now!” He mounted the motorbike defiantly and thrust a hand into his jacket pocket. Then he frowned. "Huh." He checked his other pockets, looking increasingly puzzled. “Have you seen my bike keys?” He got off the bike and patted himself down. "Wait, did you take them?" He gave her an accusatory look. 

“No,” Minkowski said truthfully. A suspicion began to dawn on her.

“Give them back!” Eiffel demanded, holding out a hand.

“I honestly did not take your keys,” she repeated.

With her typically impeccable dramatic timing, Isabel Lovelace appeared in the doorway, tossing a pair of keys up and down in her left hand. "Hey, Eiffel! Did you lose something?"

"When- How did you...?" Eiffel spluttered.

Lovelace gave an innocent smile, or at least the closest she could muster. “A magician never reveals her secrets…” Minkowski was secretly impressed and more than a little turned on by Isabel's pick-pocketing skill.

“You can’t just steal my keys!” Eiffel yelled. “This is outrageous! Illegal! An infringement on my human rights! I’ll- I’ll…” He moved towards Lovelace, his fists raised.

“You’ll what, Officer Eiffel?” Lovelace asked, still relaxed. “Because I don’t fancy your chances in a fight against the two of us." Eiffel’s arms dropped to his sides and he backed away from Lovelace. He wasn't that much of an idiot.

“Just give us the bike and we’ll sort it out,” Minkowski said. Eiffel recoiled. He spread himself out in front of the motorbike, as if protecting it from attack.

"You can't take Artemis away from me!" he shouted.

"Artemis?" Lovelace asked softly. Minkowski's heart ached. He’d named his motorbike after a Greek goddess, the same way Goddard Futuristics named their AIs. Artemis, step-daughter of Hera. Hera, their friend and crewmember. Hera, who they’d had to leave behind on the Hephaestus.

"Oh Eiffel..." she murmured.

"She had to have a name!" he said, pathetically, not meeting their eyes. He had pressed himself against ‘Artemis’, his arms wrapped backwards around it.

"Come inside Eiffel, leave the bike," Minkowski said gently, placing a hand on Eiffel's shoulder.

"Hey, we can get pizzas tonight." Lovelace suggested. "You can pick a film." Eiffel was still clutching the bike’s seat. Minkowski tried to prize his hands away.

"What was it you were saying you wanted us to watch?” Minkowski asked, trying to think of a film that would distract him. “Something about sharks in a hurricane?"

"Sharknado," Doug told her, enthusiasm creeping into his voice. His grip on the bike loosened. He had been trying to persuade them into a Sharknado marathon for several weeks.

“If you let us return that bike, we’ll watch it with you,” Lovelace promised.

"And the sequels?" he asked.

“Fine,” Minkowski agreed, grimacing slightly. “We’ll watch them all- just come inside.”

Reluctantly Eiffel gave the motorbike a sad pat and let himself be lead back into the house.

*****

"Oh god, I don't know how much more I can take of this," Minkowski muttered in a pained voice, her head resting on Lovelace’s shoulder as they sat on the sofa. They’d paused Sharknado 2 just as a baseball stadium was being attacked by sharks, so that Eiffel could leave the room to make popcorn.

"I don't know,” Lovelace said cheerfully, her arm slung around Minkowski. “I liked that bit with the chainsaw." She laughed.

"Remind me never to listen to Eiffel's film recommendations ever again," Minkowski said, not for the first time.

“Oh, you knew what you were getting yourself into.” Lovelace gave Minkowski’s shoulder a squeeze. “There’s still two more films to go after this one!”

Minkowski raised her head up and gave an over-the-top groan. “Maybe I should have just run the risk of Eiffel riding into a wall,” she joked.

"You know,” Lovelace said conspiratorially, drawing Minkowski into her lap. “It would be a shame to return that beautiful bike without giving it a go...” She gave a mischievous grin. “Pickpocketing wasn't the only skill I learnt in my rebellious youth. I was a biker chick back in the day."

Renée turned to face Isabel and raised an eyebrow. "What are you suggesting?"

"A quick ride tomorrow morning, before Eiffel gets up. He'd never need to know."

Minkowski pictured herself holding onto Lovelace’s waist as they zoomed through the streets. It was certainly tempting... “You’ll make a daredevil of me yet, Captain,” she grinned.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! It would make me really happy if you could let me know what you think in the comments!  
> To be honest, I haven't actually seen Sharknado (apart from the clip where someone dives into a shark and cuts their way out with a chainsaw) but from what I know of it, it seems like the kind of film Eiffel would love and Minkowski would hate and Lovelace would find hilarious.  
> If you couldn't tell, I'm completely invested in the 'Eiffel is basically Minlace's child' dynamic...


End file.
